FUNNY STUFF!

HOW TO PREPARE FOR A PUPPY

*Pour cold apple juice on the carpet in several places and walk around barefoot in the dark.

*Wear a sock to work that has had the toes shredded by a blender.

*Immediately upon waking, stand outside in the rain and dark saying, "be a good puppy and go potty-hurry up now- come on, let's go!

*Cover all your best suits with dog hair. Dark suits must have white and light suits must have dark. Also float some hair in your first cup of morning coffee.

*Play catch with a wet tennis ball.

*Run out in the snow in your bare feet to close the gate

*Tip over a basket of clean laundry, scatter clothing all over the floor.

*Leave your underwear on the living room floor, because that is where the dog will drag it anyway (especially when you have company).

*Jump out of your chair shortly before the end of your favorite TV show and run to the door shouting, "No NO! Do that OUTSIDE!" Miss the end of the program.

*Gouge the leg of the dining room table several times with a screwdriver.

*Put chocolate pudding on the carpet in the morning, and do not try to clean it up until you return from work that evening.

*Take a warm, cuddly blanket out of the dryer and immediately wrap it around yourself. This is the feeling you get when your puppy falls asleep on your lap.

Author Unknown

DOG RULES

1. The dog is not allowed in the house.
2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.
5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only.
9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.

THE 5 CRUCIAL FOOD GROUPS ACCORDING TO DOGS:

• 1. In the bowl. (A good foundation, but important to supplement with other groups.)
• 2. Off the table. (Most varied group, but best eaten when no one is looking.)
• 3. On the floor. (A nutritious way to snack between meals.)
• 4. Grass - taken at least once a day to enable vomit activity. (Vomit activity best engaged in while resting head on caretaker's lap.)
• 5. Poop. (At least once a day for overall digestive happiness. May be taken topically via rolling in it.) Best if eaten immediately after production. Be sure to lick owner in face after ingestion.

BUMP:

The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP:

A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require... especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See below.

SOFAS:

Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

BATH:

This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

GARBAGE CAN:

A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and great tasting moldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES:

Two-wheeled fun exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS:

This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

LEASH:

A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED:

any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL:

Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor or better yet, on their laps.

SNIFF:

A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.